That is my goal, to carry on her legacy

Listening to Sam Smith's Stay With Me and the line is: Why am I so emotional? 

Why am I so emotional? 

       Let's start with my Grandma passing away on Saturday, the 16th. She was one of the strongest women I know. I wasn't ready for her to go but I think she was ready. I loved hearing all of the stories this week from my dad and my Aunt of when they were kids and thing my Grandma did as a kid and teenager. My stubbornness didn't fall far from the tree either. We cleaned out her house and I got really weird like I didn't want any else to have her things, she is my Grandma damn it and I will take care of her stuff. I soon realized that I couldn't do that I took what brought me great memories of her. 
      
       She had four children, one of which she had to bury just one year ago. No matter the age a parent should never have to bury their child. She had many different type of cancer and she beat them all. I would jokingly tell people that if there was a nuclear war the survivors would be my Grandma and the cockroaches because that is how bad ass she is. She had a legacy. A legacy of being a peacemaker and giving unconditional love. Just when you think someone can't be loved anymore she would show up and show you how to do it. That is my goal, to carry on her legacy.

       Secondly, I have had five med changes in the last 2 months. I am very tired and just want to sleep. Is that the new med or my week catching up with me? I am hoping this one is going to work or at least give some relief with NO side effects. Wherever I am at, I want to be somewhere else. For example something if I am at home I want to be at work. Then when I am at work I want to be at home. It is almost like I am trying to outrun something. Funny thing is it keeps finding me. 

      My brain is going through a lot right now and trying to process a lot of information. Sometimes I don't know what day it is, if I showered, ate, or how long I have been staring at the wall. You know the scenes in the movies where the person is moving slow and everyone around them is moving fast and the person seems confused or lost? Yeah, that's me. 

      I am hoping that my beautiful nephews first birthday party and a three day weekend help gets me back on track. 

It never gets easier

10 and a half years of therapy, medication management, inpatient stays, intensive outpatient therapy and still to this day I struggle with my demon - bipolar disorder. Now today I say demon because that it what it feels like, tomorrow or a month from now it could be a blessing in disguise. Oh the joys of having a mental illness - those chemicals really need to balance their shit out soon.

When I am manic I want to make lots of changes every where. My clothes, my purse, my job, my vehicle, house decorations, add another pet (I want to do that all of the time but it is amplified during mania) you name it, I want to change it to something brand new. Then it becomes an obsession in my brain and this is the only thing I can focus on until it's done or the mania has passed. This has been what I do as long as I can remember. As a kid maybe starting around age 11, I would rearrange my bedroom in the middle of the night (Thanks mm for just letting me do it). I guess for a long time that satisfied my need for change. Now I have other people in my house that I have to consider before I change something, plus a little thing call money. Oh yes, spending can be a problem when manic. I have a time or two turned over the debit card and worked off of cash until the mania passed.

Along with the need for change I am irritable. Think of it as PMS on speed?? Yeah that's about right. It comes and goes whenever the hell it wants and on whoever it wants. Sleep becomes few and far between as well. I feel restless like I am trying to get the house ready for a party but someone forgot to tell me it was cancelled. Have you ever seen a hamster in an exercise wheel? Well that hamster is showing you what my brain feels like during mania; it never stops going, ever!

All of the symptoms change with each mania phase. It's like when you are playing BINGO and a different set of number will win the game; a different set of symptoms can or not come with each mania phase. For me they are different, which is why it never gets easier. I take a medication for everything I talked about plus some that I didn't go into.

Why on earth would I be laying what it is like for me to have a manic episode? Because if I am acting different, seemed pissed off, tired, bitchy, or quiet there is a reason and if you ask me I will be honest and tell you that I am cycling. I know that this is temporary and I will soon go back to my baseline self but until then don't take it personal and please don't get angry with me, I can't control it.

"The desperate need for change combined with the crippling fear of it makes me toxic."

 - Jessica Young

For more information on Bipolar Disorder visit NAMI at What is Bipolar Disorder?

Share your story

I have always been a huge supporter of sharing our stories. Where did we come from? What makes us who we are?

This bipolar blog is asking for just that. Check it out and maybe you can help change someone's life and view of mental illnesses.

Check out @BipolarOutLoud's Tweet: https://twitter.com/BipolarOutLoud/status/498325126580948993

Trying something new

Trying something new to keep myself busy and out of trouble.

We have used these energy drinks for awhile and love them. So I am giving the business side of Amway a try.

I want to try the cleaning products next because I tend to like products that don't have a harsh smell and are more natural.

Here is my tweet:

Check out @jdy1226's Tweet: https://twitter.com/jdy1226/status/495709458212081664

And my site:

www.amway.com/YoungTeam

Happy browsing!

BPT

Not letting the small thing take over during a big time

My stress and anxiety are pretty high right now.

Here is my list of why:

1. We are in the process of closing on a house, which means a lot of paperwork, gather documents, packing and organizing the move.
2. The kids go back to school about a week before we move, so we need to get all of their back-to-school items purchased and not packed.
3. My spouse is basically out-of-town or unavailable this entire time.
4. My work schedule is never the same.
5. Coordinating my son's new dance class drop-off every week.
6. My cat is sick and now has to become an indoor cat.
7. Pack
8. Pack
9. Pack
10. And finally, I live in the desert and it is f-ing HOT!

In the middle of all of that chaos there are these little dust devils that pop up that just about send me over the edge. And I am talking about a full blown grown-up temper tantrum. But then I have to take a step back, take a deep breath and ask myself, do I need to get the work up about this right now? 99% of the time the answer is no but it is so easy to get sucked into the small things right now. Am I avoiding something or do I need help. I don't know but I had to get this out.

Labor Day weekend I will be relaxing in my new pool and that is what I will keep my eye on!


(Picture from http://www.investwithalex.com/killing-stress/)

What if... Nutrition could treat mental illness?

Here is also a link for an article that discusses why mental illness is also an economic issue.



http://www.vox.com/2014/6/17/5804014/mental-illness-isnt-just-a-health-issue-its-an-economic-issue

Helping others

     I have always spoke up and out loud about having bipolar disorder. I have had people contact me and ask for help on where they can go to get help or they just want someone to talk to who gets its. Someone I know who reached out to me because I can relate to what she is going through went missing recently. It created panic for a lot of people. About 12 after she had been missing she was found at a local behavioral hospital were she had checked herself in.

    There were many mixed feelings going around about the situation. My main feeling - proud. I was proud of her that she was brave enough to check herself in and that she was aware enough that she needed help. Yes, I wish would have left a note or something saying that is what her plan was but you know what? She isn't dead and I know that was her second choice. The other people who were also looking for her had a hard time getting past the anger stage. I know my perspective is different and they can feel angry, I was just relived she was alive and had the courage to check herself in.

    I would rather someone be missing for 12 hours and I find them in the hospital getting help then dead somewhere. This illness has a mind of its own and when it takes over we are not the same person who can think clearly. This also brings up another topic which is having a strong support system that you can trust is important in becoming stable and maintaining stability. I am blessed that my wife is someone I can go to any time of the day and say I need to check myself in. And she will say let's go. My parents, my in-laws, my sister and brother-in-law are all are part of my support system.

While I truly enjoy and am honored that other's feel comfortable coming to me to ask for help; I do have to remind myself to not get too involved because like a common cold when someone else is cycling it can be contagious and I don't want it to effect me so much to where now I need to check myself in. Again that is where my wife is good at stepping in and being that checks and balances.

Here are some resources for help:

NAMI Helpline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

The Trevor Project