It never gets easier

10 and a half years of therapy, medication management, inpatient stays, intensive outpatient therapy and still to this day I struggle with my demon - bipolar disorder. Now today I say demon because that it what it feels like, tomorrow or a month from now it could be a blessing in disguise. Oh the joys of having a mental illness - those chemicals really need to balance their shit out soon.

When I am manic I want to make lots of changes every where. My clothes, my purse, my job, my vehicle, house decorations, add another pet (I want to do that all of the time but it is amplified during mania) you name it, I want to change it to something brand new. Then it becomes an obsession in my brain and this is the only thing I can focus on until it's done or the mania has passed. This has been what I do as long as I can remember. As a kid maybe starting around age 11, I would rearrange my bedroom in the middle of the night (Thanks mm for just letting me do it). I guess for a long time that satisfied my need for change. Now I have other people in my house that I have to consider before I change something, plus a little thing call money. Oh yes, spending can be a problem when manic. I have a time or two turned over the debit card and worked off of cash until the mania passed.

Along with the need for change I am irritable. Think of it as PMS on speed?? Yeah that's about right. It comes and goes whenever the hell it wants and on whoever it wants. Sleep becomes few and far between as well. I feel restless like I am trying to get the house ready for a party but someone forgot to tell me it was cancelled. Have you ever seen a hamster in an exercise wheel? Well that hamster is showing you what my brain feels like during mania; it never stops going, ever!

All of the symptoms change with each mania phase. It's like when you are playing BINGO and a different set of number will win the game; a different set of symptoms can or not come with each mania phase. For me they are different, which is why it never gets easier. I take a medication for everything I talked about plus some that I didn't go into.

Why on earth would I be laying what it is like for me to have a manic episode? Because if I am acting different, seemed pissed off, tired, bitchy, or quiet there is a reason and if you ask me I will be honest and tell you that I am cycling. I know that this is temporary and I will soon go back to my baseline self but until then don't take it personal and please don't get angry with me, I can't control it.

"The desperate need for change combined with the crippling fear of it makes me toxic."

 - Jessica Young

For more information on Bipolar Disorder visit NAMI at What is Bipolar Disorder?

Helping others

     I have always spoke up and out loud about having bipolar disorder. I have had people contact me and ask for help on where they can go to get help or they just want someone to talk to who gets its. Someone I know who reached out to me because I can relate to what she is going through went missing recently. It created panic for a lot of people. About 12 after she had been missing she was found at a local behavioral hospital were she had checked herself in.

    There were many mixed feelings going around about the situation. My main feeling - proud. I was proud of her that she was brave enough to check herself in and that she was aware enough that she needed help. Yes, I wish would have left a note or something saying that is what her plan was but you know what? She isn't dead and I know that was her second choice. The other people who were also looking for her had a hard time getting past the anger stage. I know my perspective is different and they can feel angry, I was just relived she was alive and had the courage to check herself in.

    I would rather someone be missing for 12 hours and I find them in the hospital getting help then dead somewhere. This illness has a mind of its own and when it takes over we are not the same person who can think clearly. This also brings up another topic which is having a strong support system that you can trust is important in becoming stable and maintaining stability. I am blessed that my wife is someone I can go to any time of the day and say I need to check myself in. And she will say let's go. My parents, my in-laws, my sister and brother-in-law are all are part of my support system.

While I truly enjoy and am honored that other's feel comfortable coming to me to ask for help; I do have to remind myself to not get too involved because like a common cold when someone else is cycling it can be contagious and I don't want it to effect me so much to where now I need to check myself in. Again that is where my wife is good at stepping in and being that checks and balances.

Here are some resources for help:

NAMI Helpline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

The Trevor Project

I have two closets to come out of

Now I know I can be quite shocking when I have to announce in my class that I am gay and bipolar too. Sometimes I get sympathy looks, somethings I get 'you are a freak' looks, and sometimes I get the "I have parent who is that" or whatever. You may be wondering why I even tell these people in my short 5 week classes any of this. Here why: last week was the fist week of my last class after hearing one person make jokes about bipolar disorder that was cue to step and come out of the mental illness closet or go over to him with my walker and beat some sense into him with it. I thought coming out would be better at that point. After I said I am bipolar it was so quite in the room you could hear a pin drop. My goal is to not make people feel uncomfortable but to make them realize anyone could have it and it is NOT ok to make jokes about it. You wouldn't make jokes about someone who has cancer or AIDS in public (or private really) would you? No, I didn't think so. This is me doing my part to bring awareness and reduce the stigma of mental illness. Believe me, it follows me around like a creepy little stalker that only I can see and until I start telling everyone about it and how it makes me feels and only if others start to notice him, he is never going away.

Now these people have been together as a group for awhile and I am "invading" their class. It is pretty obvious that they don't like outsiders and let's say I am not exactly shy on calling people out on their crap, so I am instantly popular. (NOT) I had not come out as gay yet, I try to break up the shock and awe for my classmates because I care. Towards the end of the night we had to get into our teams and start on our first assignment. Remember, I am like a virus infecting their group. We had to pick a community and profile it. Here was my chance to come out again. I said "Well, I am gay and know a lot about the gay community, so that might help make this assignment easier." One guy I thought could go for it, the second guy was leery. This is when shit hit the fan. The woman in my group said "Uh, yeah I don't think I want to do that because the whole gay thing has been beaten to death." Yes, that's right folks we have been beaten to death. Unfortunately for me I didn't know to say that wouldn't get me into trouble. So I said "Wow, beaten to death, I have been beaten to death." Then she tried to back track. I said "No, no you made yourself perfectly clear, we have been beaten to death." We did the Amish Community instead.

As gay people we aren't trained sometimes for others reactions or words. Her words have been haunting me all week. This class is not a healthcare class which for me is part of the problem. I have 4 weeks left and I can suck it up and hopefully by the end I can make a difference in someone and open their eyes.