Showing posts with label manic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label manic. Show all posts

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Study May RAISE Standard for Treating First Psychotic Episode


Article from the National Institutes of Health:

Study May RAISE Standard for Treating First Psychotic Episode


Friday, May 22, 2015

That is my goal, to carry on her legacy

Listening to Sam Smith's Stay With Me and the line is: Why am I so emotional? 


Why am I so emotional? 

       Let's start with my Grandma passing away on Saturday, the 16th. She was one of the strongest women I know. I wasn't ready for her to go but I think she was ready. I loved hearing all of the stories this week from my dad and my Aunt of when they were kids and thing my Grandma did as a kid and teenager. My stubbornness didn't fall far from the tree either. We cleaned out her house and I got really weird like I didn't want any else to have her things, she is my Grandma damn it and I will take care of her stuff. I soon realized that I couldn't do that I took what brought me great memories of her. 
      
       She had four children, one of which she had to bury just one year ago. No matter the age a parent should never have to bury their child. She had many different type of cancer and she beat them all. I would jokingly tell people that if there was a nuclear war the survivors would be my Grandma and the cockroaches because that is how bad ass she is. She had a legacy. A legacy of being a peacemaker and giving unconditional love. Just when you think someone can't be loved anymore she would show up and show you how to do it. That is my goal, to carry on her legacy.

       Secondly, I have had five med changes in the last 2 months. I am very tired and just want to sleep. Is that the new med or my week catching up with me? I am hoping this one is going to work or at least give some relief with NO side effects. Wherever I am at, I want to be somewhere else. For example something if I am at home I want to be at work. Then when I am at work I want to be at home. It is almost like I am trying to outrun something. Funny thing is it keeps finding me. 

      My brain is going through a lot right now and trying to process a lot of information. Sometimes I don't know what day it is, if I showered, ate, or how long I have been staring at the wall. You know the scenes in the movies where the person is moving slow and everyone around them is moving fast and the person seems confused or lost? Yeah, that's me. 

      I am hoping that my beautiful nephews first birthday party and a three day weekend help gets me back on track. 

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

It never gets easier

10 and a half years of therapy, medication management, inpatient stays, intensive outpatient therapy and still to this day I struggle with my demon - bipolar disorder. Now today I say demon because that it what it feels like, tomorrow or a month from now it could be a blessing in disguise. Oh the joys of having a mental illness - those chemicals really need to balance their shit out soon.

When I am manic I want to make lots of changes every where. My clothes, my purse, my job, my vehicle, house decorations, add another pet (I want to do that all of the time but it is amplified during mania) you name it, I want to change it to something brand new. Then it becomes an obsession in my brain and this is the only thing I can focus on until it's done or the mania has passed. This has been what I do as long as I can remember. As a kid maybe starting around age 11, I would rearrange my bedroom in the middle of the night (Thanks mm for just letting me do it). I guess for a long time that satisfied my need for change. Now I have other people in my house that I have to consider before I change something, plus a little thing call money. Oh yes, spending can be a problem when manic. I have a time or two turned over the debit card and worked off of cash until the mania passed.

Along with the need for change I am irritable. Think of it as PMS on speed?? Yeah that's about right. It comes and goes whenever the hell it wants and on whoever it wants. Sleep becomes few and far between as well. I feel restless like I am trying to get the house ready for a party but someone forgot to tell me it was cancelled. Have you ever seen a hamster in an exercise wheel? Well that hamster is showing you what my brain feels like during mania; it never stops going, ever!

All of the symptoms change with each mania phase. It's like when you are playing BINGO and a different set of number will win the game; a different set of symptoms can or not come with each mania phase. For me they are different, which is why it never gets easier. I take a medication for everything I talked about plus some that I didn't go into.

Why on earth would I be laying what it is like for me to have a manic episode? Because if I am acting different, seemed pissed off, tired, bitchy, or quiet there is a reason and if you ask me I will be honest and tell you that I am cycling. I know that this is temporary and I will soon go back to my baseline self but until then don't take it personal and please don't get angry with me, I can't control it.



"The desperate need for change combined with the crippling fear of it makes me toxic."
 - Jessica Young


For more information on Bipolar Disorder visit NAMI at What is Bipolar Disorder?

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Girl on Fire and More

Alicia Keys' recent single is called "Girl on Fire" and I like it. It took me a while to figure out why I liked it and then everything came crashing down. Here is the opening verse of the song:

She's just a girl and she's on fire
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway
She's living in a world and it's on fire
Feeling with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away


Driving home from work one day listening to this and it hit me, this song reminds me of being manic. Now I have been cycling for a few weeks maybe even a couple months. Lately my mania has been in full swing. After connecting with this song, I was telling KJ that this manic cycle I hate because it so different the the last one and I don't know how to deal with it. 

The best way I can describe what I am feeling inside is by comparing it to a fire, a wild fire. The kind that we know to well living here in the Arizona desert. We know it is going to come every year. We know the fire can change its route with any gust of wind. It's unpredictable and at times unmanageable and can be deadly. Finally it is put out but we all know it will be back but it will be different the next time, its impact, its size, and its duration. The fire inside me is angry and short tempered and banging very hard at the door to come out. 

Part of my goal by posting this and getting this out is to help other people get an idea of what it is like to go through this. I can't control any of this that happens to me, as much as I would like to. I can't control when I am manic or depressed or when I am stable. And to top it all off when I am manic it can be different each time with different triggers and symptoms. Please tell me how one successfully copes with that without going crazy and just losing their cool? Somehow I have managed to do that for last almost 9 years.

There is a lot of talk going on about access to mental health care with the recent shootings. I have access to care and it is still hard to manage financially, I can't imagine what it would be like if I didn't have the right kind of access. Having a mental illness is different from other illness like diabetes or high blood pressure (both of which I have and are significantly easier to manage) and it needs to be managed differently.

If just by having bipolar disorder my life expectancy is shortened by 14-32 years (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/about/director/2011/no-health-without-mental-health.shtml) and there is a 20% chance I am going to die by suicide, why are we not being given the attention we need and deserve for something that we did NOTHING to get?

The stigma that surrounds ME and others needs to end. I need to be able to say publicly WITHOUT JUDGEMENT "I am Bipolar, I am not a monster"

Here are resources for you:
http://nami.org/
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/