I have always spoke up and out loud about having bipolar disorder. I have had people contact me and ask for help on where they can go to get help or they just want someone to talk to who gets its. Someone I know who reached out to me because I can relate to what she is going through went missing recently. It created panic for a lot of people. About 12 after she had been missing she was found at a local behavioral hospital were she had checked herself in.
There were many mixed feelings going around about the situation. My main feeling - proud. I was proud of her that she was brave enough to check herself in and that she was aware enough that she needed help. Yes, I wish would have left a note or something saying that is what her plan was but you know what? She isn't dead and I know that was her second choice. The other people who were also looking for her had a hard time getting past the anger stage. I know my perspective is different and they can feel angry, I was just relived she was alive and had the courage to check herself in.
I would rather someone be missing for 12 hours and I find them in the hospital getting help then dead somewhere. This illness has a mind of its own and when it takes over we are not the same person who can think clearly. This also brings up another topic which is having a strong support system that you can trust is important in becoming stable and maintaining stability. I am blessed that my wife is someone I can go to any time of the day and say I need to check myself in. And she will say let's go. My parents, my in-laws, my sister and brother-in-law are all are part of my support system.
While I truly enjoy and am honored that other's feel comfortable coming to me to ask for help; I do have to remind myself to not get too involved because like a common cold when someone else is cycling it can be contagious and I don't want it to effect me so much to where now I need to check myself in. Again that is where my wife is good at stepping in and being that checks and balances.
Here are some resources for help:
NAMI Helpline
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
The Trevor Project
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
I have two closets to come out of
Now I know I can be quite shocking when I have to announce in my class that I am gay and bipolar too. Sometimes I get sympathy looks, somethings I get 'you are a freak' looks, and sometimes I get the "I have parent who is that" or whatever. You may be wondering why I even tell these people in my short 5 week classes any of this. Here why: last week was the fist week of my last class after hearing one person make jokes about bipolar disorder that was cue to step and come out of the mental illness closet or go over to him with my walker and beat some sense into him with it. I thought coming out would be better at that point. After I said I am bipolar it was so quite in the room you could hear a pin drop. My goal is to not make people feel uncomfortable but to make them realize anyone could have it and it is NOT ok to make jokes about it. You wouldn't make jokes about someone who has cancer or AIDS in public (or private really) would you? No, I didn't think so. This is me doing my part to bring awareness and reduce the stigma of mental illness. Believe me, it follows me around like a creepy little stalker that only I can see and until I start telling everyone about it and how it makes me feels and only if others start to notice him, he is never going away.
Now these people have been together as a group for awhile and I am "invading" their class. It is pretty obvious that they don't like outsiders and let's say I am not exactly shy on calling people out on their crap, so I am instantly popular. (NOT) I had not come out as gay yet, I try to break up the shock and awe for my classmates because I care. Towards the end of the night we had to get into our teams and start on our first assignment. Remember, I am like a virus infecting their group. We had to pick a community and profile it. Here was my chance to come out again. I said "Well, I am gay and know a lot about the gay community, so that might help make this assignment easier." One guy I thought could go for it, the second guy was leery. This is when shit hit the fan. The woman in my group said "Uh, yeah I don't think I want to do that because the whole gay thing has been beaten to death." Yes, that's right folks we have been beaten to death. Unfortunately for me I didn't know to say that wouldn't get me into trouble. So I said "Wow, beaten to death, I have been beaten to death." Then she tried to back track. I said "No, no you made yourself perfectly clear, we have been beaten to death." We did the Amish Community instead.
As gay people we aren't trained sometimes for others reactions or words. Her words have been haunting me all week. This class is not a healthcare class which for me is part of the problem. I have 4 weeks left and I can suck it up and hopefully by the end I can make a difference in someone and open their eyes.
Now these people have been together as a group for awhile and I am "invading" their class. It is pretty obvious that they don't like outsiders and let's say I am not exactly shy on calling people out on their crap, so I am instantly popular. (NOT) I had not come out as gay yet, I try to break up the shock and awe for my classmates because I care. Towards the end of the night we had to get into our teams and start on our first assignment. Remember, I am like a virus infecting their group. We had to pick a community and profile it. Here was my chance to come out again. I said "Well, I am gay and know a lot about the gay community, so that might help make this assignment easier." One guy I thought could go for it, the second guy was leery. This is when shit hit the fan. The woman in my group said "Uh, yeah I don't think I want to do that because the whole gay thing has been beaten to death." Yes, that's right folks we have been beaten to death. Unfortunately for me I didn't know to say that wouldn't get me into trouble. So I said "Wow, beaten to death, I have been beaten to death." Then she tried to back track. I said "No, no you made yourself perfectly clear, we have been beaten to death." We did the Amish Community instead.
As gay people we aren't trained sometimes for others reactions or words. Her words have been haunting me all week. This class is not a healthcare class which for me is part of the problem. I have 4 weeks left and I can suck it up and hopefully by the end I can make a difference in someone and open their eyes.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Too young for this
I have heard many times this past week "You are too young for this." They are referring to my recently fractured pelvis. I will be 29 in 2 days and shouldn't really have fractured my pelvis from falling on the side walk (twice in 10 days, freak accidents, I swear). If I was 80 then maybe. If I was a professional athlete like a soccer player, then maybe. But me? No, too young.
This last week I felt like I have been doing nothing, which is a good thing for healing. The next couple months of recovery, therapy, and figuring out why this happened are going to be tough. Lucky for me I have a supportive and helpful family, a great primary doctor, and work for a great company.
Not only is this taxing on me physically but also mentally. During the day I don't have many people to talk to, when I am used to talking to people all day at work. I like being active and doing things around my house and now I can't. I have to use a walker to get around which it great in crowds because people instantly move out of the way. However, my hands are sore from the walker and I am still nervous about falling again.
I think my therapy sessions for bipolar stuff will probably be more frequent then what they were just to be on the safe side. On a very happy and exciting note I am starting my very last class and I graduate on May 4th with my bachelor's in Healthcare Admin. Woohoo! I think I will be posting more often now that I am doing nothing but healing.
This last week I felt like I have been doing nothing, which is a good thing for healing. The next couple months of recovery, therapy, and figuring out why this happened are going to be tough. Lucky for me I have a supportive and helpful family, a great primary doctor, and work for a great company.
Not only is this taxing on me physically but also mentally. During the day I don't have many people to talk to, when I am used to talking to people all day at work. I like being active and doing things around my house and now I can't. I have to use a walker to get around which it great in crowds because people instantly move out of the way. However, my hands are sore from the walker and I am still nervous about falling again.
I think my therapy sessions for bipolar stuff will probably be more frequent then what they were just to be on the safe side. On a very happy and exciting note I am starting my very last class and I graduate on May 4th with my bachelor's in Healthcare Admin. Woohoo! I think I will be posting more often now that I am doing nothing but healing.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Girl on Fire and More
Alicia Keys' recent single is called "Girl on Fire" and I like it. It took me a while to figure out why I liked it and then everything came crashing down. Here is the opening verse of the song:
She's just a girl and she's on fire
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway
She's living in a world and it's on fire
Feeling with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away
Driving home from work one day listening to this and it hit me, this song reminds me of being manic. Now I have been cycling for a few weeks maybe even a couple months. Lately my mania has been in full swing. After connecting with this song, I was telling KJ that this manic cycle I hate because it so different the the last one and I don't know how to deal with it.
The best way I can describe what I am feeling inside is by comparing it to a fire, a wild fire. The kind that we know to well living here in the Arizona desert. We know it is going to come every year. We know the fire can change its route with any gust of wind. It's unpredictable and at times unmanageable and can be deadly. Finally it is put out but we all know it will be back but it will be different the next time, its impact, its size, and its duration. The fire inside me is angry and short tempered and banging very hard at the door to come out.
Part of my goal by posting this and getting this out is to help other people get an idea of what it is like to go through this. I can't control any of this that happens to me, as much as I would like to. I can't control when I am manic or depressed or when I am stable. And to top it all off when I am manic it can be different each time with different triggers and symptoms. Please tell me how one successfully copes with that without going crazy and just losing their cool? Somehow I have managed to do that for last almost 9 years.
There is a lot of talk going on about access to mental health care with the recent shootings. I have access to care and it is still hard to manage financially, I can't imagine what it would be like if I didn't have the right kind of access. Having a mental illness is different from other illness like diabetes or high blood pressure (both of which I have and are significantly easier to manage) and it needs to be managed differently.
If just by having bipolar disorder my life expectancy is shortened by 14-32 years (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/about/director/2011/no-health-without-mental-health.shtml) and there is a 20% chance I am going to die by suicide, why are we not being given the attention we need and deserve for something that we did NOTHING to get?
The stigma that surrounds ME and others needs to end. I need to be able to say publicly WITHOUT JUDGEMENT "I am Bipolar, I am not a monster"
Here are resources for you:
http://nami.org/
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/
She's just a girl and she's on fire
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway
She's living in a world and it's on fire
Feeling with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away
Driving home from work one day listening to this and it hit me, this song reminds me of being manic. Now I have been cycling for a few weeks maybe even a couple months. Lately my mania has been in full swing. After connecting with this song, I was telling KJ that this manic cycle I hate because it so different the the last one and I don't know how to deal with it.
The best way I can describe what I am feeling inside is by comparing it to a fire, a wild fire. The kind that we know to well living here in the Arizona desert. We know it is going to come every year. We know the fire can change its route with any gust of wind. It's unpredictable and at times unmanageable and can be deadly. Finally it is put out but we all know it will be back but it will be different the next time, its impact, its size, and its duration. The fire inside me is angry and short tempered and banging very hard at the door to come out.
Part of my goal by posting this and getting this out is to help other people get an idea of what it is like to go through this. I can't control any of this that happens to me, as much as I would like to. I can't control when I am manic or depressed or when I am stable. And to top it all off when I am manic it can be different each time with different triggers and symptoms. Please tell me how one successfully copes with that without going crazy and just losing their cool? Somehow I have managed to do that for last almost 9 years.
There is a lot of talk going on about access to mental health care with the recent shootings. I have access to care and it is still hard to manage financially, I can't imagine what it would be like if I didn't have the right kind of access. Having a mental illness is different from other illness like diabetes or high blood pressure (both of which I have and are significantly easier to manage) and it needs to be managed differently.
If just by having bipolar disorder my life expectancy is shortened by 14-32 years (http://www.nimh.nih.gov/about/director/2011/no-health-without-mental-health.shtml) and there is a 20% chance I am going to die by suicide, why are we not being given the attention we need and deserve for something that we did NOTHING to get?
The stigma that surrounds ME and others needs to end. I need to be able to say publicly WITHOUT JUDGEMENT "I am Bipolar, I am not a monster"
Here are resources for you:
http://nami.org/
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/
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