It never gets easier

10 and a half years of therapy, medication management, inpatient stays, intensive outpatient therapy and still to this day I struggle with my demon - bipolar disorder. Now today I say demon because that it what it feels like, tomorrow or a month from now it could be a blessing in disguise. Oh the joys of having a mental illness - those chemicals really need to balance their shit out soon.

When I am manic I want to make lots of changes every where. My clothes, my purse, my job, my vehicle, house decorations, add another pet (I want to do that all of the time but it is amplified during mania) you name it, I want to change it to something brand new. Then it becomes an obsession in my brain and this is the only thing I can focus on until it's done or the mania has passed. This has been what I do as long as I can remember. As a kid maybe starting around age 11, I would rearrange my bedroom in the middle of the night (Thanks mm for just letting me do it). I guess for a long time that satisfied my need for change. Now I have other people in my house that I have to consider before I change something, plus a little thing call money. Oh yes, spending can be a problem when manic. I have a time or two turned over the debit card and worked off of cash until the mania passed.

Along with the need for change I am irritable. Think of it as PMS on speed?? Yeah that's about right. It comes and goes whenever the hell it wants and on whoever it wants. Sleep becomes few and far between as well. I feel restless like I am trying to get the house ready for a party but someone forgot to tell me it was cancelled. Have you ever seen a hamster in an exercise wheel? Well that hamster is showing you what my brain feels like during mania; it never stops going, ever!

All of the symptoms change with each mania phase. It's like when you are playing BINGO and a different set of number will win the game; a different set of symptoms can or not come with each mania phase. For me they are different, which is why it never gets easier. I take a medication for everything I talked about plus some that I didn't go into.

Why on earth would I be laying what it is like for me to have a manic episode? Because if I am acting different, seemed pissed off, tired, bitchy, or quiet there is a reason and if you ask me I will be honest and tell you that I am cycling. I know that this is temporary and I will soon go back to my baseline self but until then don't take it personal and please don't get angry with me, I can't control it.

"The desperate need for change combined with the crippling fear of it makes me toxic."

 - Jessica Young

For more information on Bipolar Disorder visit NAMI at What is Bipolar Disorder?

Share your story

I have always been a huge supporter of sharing our stories. Where did we come from? What makes us who we are?

This bipolar blog is asking for just that. Check it out and maybe you can help change someone's life and view of mental illnesses.

Check out @BipolarOutLoud's Tweet: https://twitter.com/BipolarOutLoud/status/498325126580948993

Trying something new

Trying something new to keep myself busy and out of trouble.

We have used these energy drinks for awhile and love them. So I am giving the business side of Amway a try.

I want to try the cleaning products next because I tend to like products that don't have a harsh smell and are more natural.

Here is my tweet:

Check out @jdy1226's Tweet: https://twitter.com/jdy1226/status/495709458212081664

And my site:

www.amway.com/YoungTeam

Happy browsing!

BPT

Not letting the small thing take over during a big time

My stress and anxiety are pretty high right now.

Here is my list of why:

1. We are in the process of closing on a house, which means a lot of paperwork, gather documents, packing and organizing the move.
2. The kids go back to school about a week before we move, so we need to get all of their back-to-school items purchased and not packed.
3. My spouse is basically out-of-town or unavailable this entire time.
4. My work schedule is never the same.
5. Coordinating my son's new dance class drop-off every week.
6. My cat is sick and now has to become an indoor cat.
7. Pack
8. Pack
9. Pack
10. And finally, I live in the desert and it is f-ing HOT!

In the middle of all of that chaos there are these little dust devils that pop up that just about send me over the edge. And I am talking about a full blown grown-up temper tantrum. But then I have to take a step back, take a deep breath and ask myself, do I need to get the work up about this right now? 99% of the time the answer is no but it is so easy to get sucked into the small things right now. Am I avoiding something or do I need help. I don't know but I had to get this out.

Labor Day weekend I will be relaxing in my new pool and that is what I will keep my eye on!


(Picture from http://www.investwithalex.com/killing-stress/)

What if... Nutrition could treat mental illness?

Here is also a link for an article that discusses why mental illness is also an economic issue.



http://www.vox.com/2014/6/17/5804014/mental-illness-isnt-just-a-health-issue-its-an-economic-issue